28 and Still Can’t Take The Hint…

Infertility, what a journey, but it brought us our son. Our daughter’s infertility journey would be another interesting challenge but it wasn’t until our attempt of beating infertility for the third time that it would rock our world. Apparently I cannot take the universal hint to give up and stop trying to procreate, the stubbornness runs deep and when someone tells me it’s impossible, I accept that challenge.

I had zero expectations that creating another miracle would be easy, but I had no idea how much harder our Baby #3 adventure would be. Jack was a 5x rainbow baby from Egg donor IVF, Kenzie was 9 months of hard-core egg quality prep, with no losses between her and Jack. Baby #3 would have quite the experience. For those who are new to my blog, my kids journey to me are available to read in older post section on this website. For those who want a brief overview, I had 5 miscarriages by the age of 21, found out I have a blood clotting disorder (MTHFR, can’t absorb folic acid, vitamin b, and need a blood thinner for clots) I was told after 2 IVF rounds I would never have a biological child, we found an egg donor that did IVF and mixed it with my hubs ingredients and created 4 healthy embryos. We transferred our son, but felt the biological journey needed to be tackled. After so much research my mom did, we tested out an experimental lifestyle change for 9 months to fix my egg quality, along came my daughter. Knowing we could reverse my situation God led Jared and I to have the 3 remaining embryos adopted (Embryo Donation/Adoption) out to a family that could not change their circumstances. We began our journey for Baby number three, and now you are caught up! Isn’t it fun to make a baby or what? Lol.

So here we are… at the beginning, I started the egg quality prep in the beginning of January 2020 (vitamins/diet) but waited to check hormones with my naturopath the first 3 months of actively TTC (trying to conceive) July, Aug, Sept were baby making months after 6 months of vitamins and diet changes. I was secretly hoping we could just go away on a vacation and come back pregnant. But for the first time in my life, I didn’t even get pregnant. I was not prepared for that, I could always get pregnant in the past, but I could never stay pregnant.

I got tested, my levels were back to pre-IVF days, terrible. Estrogen bottomed out again. But we also tested Jared. We knew him being on testosterone therapy for so long has sperm side effects. His results, ZERO.

3 months go by of stopping his hormone therapy and still no sperm. I finally had my levels perfect, and I had to stand by while we waited for his numbers to appear. It was hard to be gluten free, soy free, low carb, no chemicals, no alcohol, no sugar, no alternative sugars/sugar alcohols, keep my body in fertility BMI range, no caffeine, no peppermint/peas etc. At one point we even discussed sperm donors. But I eventually our hard work would pay off.

Finally, after no changes with sperm count, Jared was put on clomid. We got a number 6 weeks later… low but progress. We waited an extra month to build our chances and hoped his numbers were in normal range. February, we got the green light and began TTC again.

February. No success, March… No success… April… success. We were so thrilled and terrified that this would be a longer journey than a little over a year.  We got the HCG levels tested, 14dpo: 59 16dpo:109 18dpo: 246 they didn’t quite double, but we remained positive. 

Weeks passed by and our 7-week ultrasound finally arrived. Baby was measuring a little behind, we saw a flicker, but my OBGYN wanted us to come back a week later. The yolk sac looked bigger than the baby which is often a sign of an unhealthy baby. I compared my old ultrasounds of Jack and Kenzie’s small yolk sac to pregnancy #4 and this current pregnancy #8 I was preparing for the worst. Uncertainty ate us alive.  Week 8 comes by, there is no heartbeat, we lost the baby.

The natural route is how my body has disposed of failed pregnancies before, but not this time. Week 9 comes by and there is no change, another ultrasound at 10 weeks to see if any progress has been made for my body to start the miscarrying process, instead we discovered it was twins. For a quick moment we hoped the other baby would have a heartbeat but based on their size they both passed around the same time. 11 weeks, no change.

I carried these babies until I hit Week 12 of my failed pregnancy. I carried them during our family reunion in Lake Tahoe and SeaWorld, when it was supposed to be a happy time with family, I just couldn’t mentally be there. It was traumatizing knowing they wouldn’t come home with me; I was carrying my two dead babies inside of me for nearly 6 weeks while my body continued through morning sickness and growing the placenta.  Mourning it and wanting to get the process over with, they offered me medicine to force them out or D&C. I had to decide very quickly, as they were concerned, I would get an infection if we waited any longer. I chose the medicine, in fear of many fellow D&C experiences from my IVF warriors, they had uterine scarring and more fertility struggles to follow.

Jared was flying home from out of state that night, I took the pills at midnight hoping I could sleep through it, by 5am the contractions began. at 7am they were much worse. By 3:30pm I passed the babies.

The next day expecting nothing but some bleeding I began to contract again, I was far enough along that I had to push out the placenta.  The size of my palm.  I wasn’t expecting it. But it was done. I bled a few weeks later and pregnancy #8 was over July 26th, 2021.

My OBGYN recommended Clomid once we got a zero HCG level.  I wrestled with the idea because I have premature ovarian failure/Diminished ovarian reserve. Basically, my eggs are 60.  Clomid is very helpful to those who don’t naturally ovulate, but I do… it’s a matter of egg quality for me.

We agreed we would do it in December if nothing changed, out of desperation.

Naturopath had me on CD 1 & CD 7 for testosterone shots, CD 16-26 for Progesterone and on thyroid meds. Along with prenatal, fish oil, coq10, baby aspirin, folate/b12, ova boost (egg quality) and my diet.

We were cleared Aug. 13th to try again. Sept. 2nd, 2021, a faint line appeared. Pregnancy #9.

The lines were visible but not darkening as they should… HCG dropped, and I began to bleed. I experienced my first chemical pregnancy. Basically, that’s when the baby fails to properly attach to lining or develops incorrectly, HCG develops but the bleeding begins 3-7 days after your missed period, many women believe it’s a late period but is in fact a miscarriage. 

Sept 20th the naturopath called me in, every level looks perfect but my cortisol. It was extremely low; he believes I have a syndrome form of Addison’s Disease. My body doesn’t produce enough cortisol and tells my brain I’m in fight mode all the time. So, he had me begin hydrocortisone to reach a more ideal level.

November 4th, 2021, I began acupuncture. I felt it in my gut that it was time and proven to increase fertility odds. The only two times I’ve done acupuncture, was Jackson’s cycle and Mackenzie’s… coincidence? I think not.

After much discussion and research, we decided to schedule a consultation for IVF round 3. We were so tired of trying and Jared said if we aren’t pregnant by March we should just jump. So, the clomid was put on hold, in hopes that my hormones won’t get worse in the attempt of IVF.

November 25th, I scheduled the appointment that was booking further than expected, March 1st, good timing. Paid the deposit and my old clinic fees to get old records for the new clinic in Arizona.

2 days later, November 27th, I tested positive. Pregnancy #10. I guess the idea of an IVF security blanket really helped me feel like there was hope. The lines didn’t darken, again.  We ran a beta test; HCG came back at 11. But November 30th, the bleeding began, our pregnancy test never darkened, lower HCG levels followed, that was that. Another chemical pregnancy. The bleeding lasted until December 7th. It was more painful than our prior chemical pregnancy experience. I also had unexpected mourning during that time, my best friend’s dad passed away, there isn’t a single person who knew him that didn’t have a broken heart and so many tears in his memory. It was a distraction at times from my hurt but not the distraction I ever wanted anyone to go through.

I got my AMH levels back, lower than when I was 21 years old, which I expected but it hit a panic button on me, low AMH does not respond well with IVF (my two failed cycles proved that in 2015) . I was having serious doubts about IVF being worth it. This terrible thought followed by a mental breakdown/panic attack. Every fear of failing again came into my mind, the cost of IVF, the probability of it not working. It was so overwhelming.

An opportunity from a friend immediately came to us, it would eliminate the need for IVF and give us pretty good odds for growing our family. [More to come on our next adventure with my friend’s beautiful opportunity in the following few months!]

It gave me so much hope, 3 weeks later, I tested positive, again. Pregnancy #11. I was mind blown, not expecting us to naturally become pregnant because we really had no expectations in December. Jared was traveling a lot and I was in the holiday hustle, we put TTC aside to be present with the kids over the holidays. Christmas night we tested a very visible HCG line.

We held our breath not expecting lines to darken, but they did. My HCG levels were higher than Mackenzie’s levels were.

January 10th, I was 6 weeks pregnant when I noticed brown/pink discharge. My ultrasound was scheduled for January 14th, but my OBGYN moved it up to the 11th (6w1d) to check if we were miscarrying. I was preparing for the worst, who wouldn’t at this point. It was hard to see if the baby was measuring properly because it was snuggled along the wall, we did see a flicker, but it was just too early. We could see a few SCH’s, (Subchorionic Hematomas) which explains the discoloration. Anxiety kicked in waiting another week to know if this baby was going to last. The discharge continued; I was put on bedrest/pelvic rest. Jared was traveling every other week out of state leaving me with both kids solo certainly didn’t help the situation.

January 19th Jack handed me a rainbow ring to wear for the day, little did he know that boosted my hopes and dreams as I went into my 7w1d ultrasound. Heartbeat was 143bpm. Measuring exactly on time. I was in shock. Our rainbow baby was growing.

January 23rd (7w5d) I heard the baby on the doppler at home. It felt real.


Jared missed the 7-week ultrasound, so we scheduled an elective scan at 8 weeks, the grandparents and kiddos got to join. We saw the baby wiggle and heard its strong heartbeat. It was very reassuring; however, we saw more things to ask the doctor about, an odd circle shape so the OBGYN got me in right away, Jared was out of town again. My doctor confirmed it was a cyst and he checked on the other SCH that appeared to be getting smaller. Still on bedrest at 9w2d, the baby measured 9w3d. He did not seem concerned. We hope to see everything resolved by 12 weeks.

We completed the Panorama NIPT testing February 8th and await results.

Pregnancy #11 has continued way better than we expected, we ask for prayers and good vibes as we are not out of the woods yet. I had no idea we would go through so much to get where we are today. I honestly thought after 5 miscarriages we had done our part in the suffering, that maybe God would spare us from more heartbreak, but I know these things happen so we can share with others to let them know they aren’t alone and to educate those who don’t understand this part of life.

This baby is considered a quadruple rainbow baby. I hope and pray every second of every day this baby comes to us earthside and safely home in our arms. As for our 3 failed pregnancies (4 babies) in 2021 and 8 overall failed pregnancies (9 babies passed) I struggle, I am human, losing something so innocent is unbearable, feeling them leave your body is excruciating. If you know someone going through a loss the best thing you can do is listen. Every phone call, every facetime, every hard day because they happen, it comes in waves. It lasts a lifetime. No cheesy cliches, just be there in their pain, say it’s unfair, it takes time to move forward with their memory and not what we intended for their lives.

I have lived a painful journey, but I 100% know that pain gave me Jackson through a stranger, it gave me Mackenzie a bio-baby miracle, one in a billion odds, and I know it will give me this baby, beating the odds once again. God has a plan and has even more exciting things to come to us (more on that soon!) Don’t stop until you’re proud. Keep going. If you want a family more than anything else in the world, you will do everything to make sure that happens. I will be here if anyone needs support. If you have any questions about my journey or your own, please reach out!